This is my final blog post. The semester is coming to a close this week, and with it comes a conclusion to my requirement to blog once a week. Since I don't anticipate having another class that requires blogging; this is it.
Something I love about living in Provo is the dating environment. Provo brings together a unique mixture of people that vary from two ends of a spectrum. You have a large group of people that are super eager to get married. Every decision they make is dependant upon their ability to get married sooner. In contrast, there is a large group that has no intentions to get married. They're only intention is to hook up with as many people as possible. Combining these two groups of people allows for very unique and entertaining dating experiences.
This blog is inspired by a blog post written by my cousin. In her blog, she details some of her worst dating experiences that she has endured. Her blog wonderfully details some of the horrendously stupid acts that men in this town pull. My purpose is to enlighten others in the unusual acts women in this town commit. These are all true stories from my own personal experience. Although the post will display some of the poor decisions of women, it will also include some of the idiotic acts from men (which in this case is myself) like my cousin explained. If you love my blog and want to learn where I got my inspiration from, you can read my cousins blog here.http://poorinprovo.blogspot.com
I'm posting this on Facebook, but as I went through this I realized I'm still friends with all these girls on Facebook. For this cause no names will be shared.
this isn't a complaint blog about women. This is a compilation of stories that I find amusing and love sharing. I still think these girls are great people despite the occurrences that transpired.
5) Thought a girl was cute. Went to her work at a hair salon to ask her out. Got her number and even scheduled a hair appointment (a really stupid decision because this was a women's salon where haircuts cost $30). She agreed to go on the date. When we were scheduling it, she said we could've gone that night or two nights later. I opted for two nights later because I wanted to watch a baseball game that night. Two nights later she cancelled and rescheduled. When the day of the reschedule came, she cancelled again and rescheduled. When that date came she cancelled and rescheduled again. When that date came, I was pulling into her complex at the arranged time of 9 to pick her up. She texted me saying she was sick and couldn't go out that night. She was sick all day and waited until the exact time of the date to cancel. We didn't reschedule after this. Then months later I saw her at a pool. When she came over to say hi, my friend awkwardly grilled her to decide when she would actually go out with me. When she hesitated, he continued to pressure her. I tried to get him to stop but he was insistent. It was embarrassing and it ended with her getting married and me still being single.
4) Went on one date with a girl. Went well. We had plans to go out again. Before we went out again she called me on a sunday afternoon and asked if I wanted to go on a walk. I thought this was a good sign, a nice romantic feeling comes in a walk. You enjoy nature, you learn more about each other. unfortunately I ended up walking into a trap. The walk was to give her a chance to tell me she had been praying and she had received an answer and that Heavenly Father had told her not to date me anymore. After one date. After this she proceeded to spend large amounts of time with a friend of mine who was partially inactive. I guess God passed him off. Only in Provo is "God told me no" an acceptable denial
3) I was hanging out with a girl that I had a crush on for quite some time. We were with friends and ended up winding down the night with a movie. After the movie, the living room had cleared and it was just her and me left on the couch. We talked and I had a chance to ask her out for later that week. I thought she had a boyfriend so I was pretty happy at the prospect of taking her out. She assured me she and her boyfriend had broken up. This night we ended up kissing on the couch. She asked me to be secrete about kissing because her "ex's" sister still lived in the same complex as us and she didn't want word to get back to him and hurt him. Me, being an idiot, decided to brag to my roommates that I had finally gotten with this girl. They didn't believe me so the next time they saw her they immediately asked. She got very upset with me for not being able to keep a secret. After this, I learned her boyfriend and her didn't break up, he just moved out of town for the summer. I got labeled as a home wrecker by her friends and acquaintances. She married this boyfriend and then when I saw her and asked her "how's married life" she responded, "it's good you should try it."
2) A certain girl and me had been talking for about a week. With a group of friends we decided to watch a movie. The movie was "Lincoln" which is perfect because it's a super boring movie that allows us to focus our attentions else where, in particular, making out on the couch in secret. After the movie, she and I were still cuddled up on the couch. My roommate jumped on top of us. Uncomfortable, I told her I was going to go to bed. I expected her to leave the apartment with me going to sleep but she opted to stay. While I was sleeping she made out with my roommate on the couch. The next day she and I broke up.
1) This girl friend zoned me after two dates. It hurt but I was glad she was upfront about it and didn't lead me on. Later in the year we started to have a flirtatious connection once more. After I allowed her to bleach my hair blonde, she and I watched a movie late one night at her house. This tends to lead to making out. Before we made out, she made me promise that it wouldn't be just a hook up. I agreed even though I didn't think much of it. After making out, I proceeded to tell a couple guys I knew that were aware that she had friend zoned me. A pretty douchey move on my part. It's never cool to kiss and tell but sometimes it's necessary. One of the guys told her what I had said in order to gain favor with her. She called me later that week to "talk about things". I was under the impression she was going to take the time to yell at me for my less than gentlemen like actions. My friend, amused at the situation, volunteered to be in my trunk so he could hear her yell at me and better articulate to our group of friends what had happened. With my friend in my trunk, I went to her house and picked her up. When we were parked, I was fully anticipating her to unleash her wrath on me. Instead, she explained how she felt about her mission call, and said she didn't feel comfortable leaving on her mission with open ends between us. She said she would be 100% comfortable to delay her mission to continue to see what would become of us. (keep in mind we hadn't been on a date, we kissed one night on her couch). I was speechless. I was expecting to get yelled at but instead was met with a situation in which a girl was offering to skip her mission to continue dating. On top of this my friend is in the trunk listening to every word. Very bizarre situation. I apologized as I told her I wasn't interested in pursuing things and wished her luck on her mission.
This is it. I imagine my appearance is probably changing in the eyes of my vast audience of readers but that's ok. These stories are funny to me. If you made it to the end of the article, I hope you agree and shared a laugh or two.
Big shout out to all the readers that have been with me since the beginning. Y'all the real MVP's.
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Sunday, December 6, 2015
People that forget Names
Recently I watched as one of my close friends (boy) chatted with another one of my friends (girl). Given that our friend circles are so intertwined, I assumed the too were well acquainted with one another. I was shocked when at the end of the conversation Girl said to Boy, "well it was nice to meet you, what was your name again?"
I was surprised that they hadn't met before. I feel like I'm surrounded by these two all the time. Boy later explained to me that they had met like 10+ times before, and have had the same conversation every time and yet she still can't remember.
This is one of my favorite things about Provo, or life in general, is people's inability to remember other people they have met. Unfortunately I have this symptom. If you ask a close friend of mine, he'd easily be able to rattle off over ten times when I had to turn to him and ask, "do I know this person?" "have we met them before. It makes me hate myself because I feel like a rude, inconsiderate dick whenever I don't remember someone's name. I feel like it's perceived as, "well, he thinks to highly of himself that he can't remember other people. I don't like him anymore" That is sad.
Certain things are in play when it comes to introductions,
1) Are you attracted to the person you're meeting? If yes, odds are you're going to remember their name. When you're attracted to someone, you're not only going to remember their name, but you'll probably also stock their social media, learn all about them, and maybe even add them at the slight chance of generating conversation again. And then when you talk to them again you have to restrain from asking them about their visit to Texas which is something you saw in one of their pictures.
Ex:
Once I met a girl that I thought was gorgeous. We talked for about a half hour the first time we met. I thought it went well. Obviously she didn't because she didn't remember any part of it the next time we met. This happened like 6 times. I should've been upset but each time I met her it gave me another chance to make a first impression and get her to like me. It eventually worked in the sense that we went on a date
2) Sometimes you have to forget someone's name because you're playing a game.
In the above example, when it became evident that the girl wasn't aware that we had already met, I had to play it off like we were complete strangers too so I didn't seem like such a weirdo. I had to ask questions I already knew the answer to, like "where are you from?" "what are you studying?"
It's stupid but effective. If I were to say something like, "c'mon, we've met already, don't you remember?" she'll say no and we'll have to have the conversation over again anyway. Plus in the second scenario, she's already put off by that statement. Like she teaches herself, "oh if I did meet this guy and not remember him, then I'm probably not interested. I'll stay uninterested."
another game is intentional forgetting:
once my friend was talking to me about a girl that I had just met. Apparently she had asked about me BY NAME. Then, when I met her next, she played the, "Remind me of your name…" I was thinking, "honey please, I know darned well that you remember my name." In this instance it worked against her because of what my friend told me. Usually this strategy works in her favor, almost telling the guy to work harder and make a better impression. I didn't in this case because I knew she already knew my name.
3) Someone has an extremely ethnic/difficult name:
Sometimes we hear names that we know we're going to instantly forget it. Like my friend Ouzhan Kalantari. Because people don't like asking others to repeat themselves, they won't ask for clarification on difficult names. Instead, they'll hope they just don't have to repeat this persons name and probably use words like, "dude," "man", "bro", "you"
4) Names get forgotten because they're spelled weird or pronounced weird.
This happens in my life a lot because I don't want to pronounce someone's name wrong. In Utah, since their are 200 different ways to pronounce each common name. I personally will hear the name, get worried I'm not going to pronounce it incorrectly so avoid using it altogether, and then since I'm not using it I'll forget it. So sorry to all the keslie's kelsie's kellysies klesies and kelessies of the world
5) sometimes people are just stupid. stupid people don't remember anything names included.
Has everyone seen the movie the testaments? Remember the scene when Jacob is finally talking to his crush Laneah? At the end of their conversation, as she's about to leave, she turns and says, "you did not ask my name…" Jacob responds, "I know your name." This is so pimp! Why can't we just be like Jacob and screw the games and garbage?
Names are tough. I promise I'll try harder and I apologize to everyone who's had to reintroduce themselves to me multiple times.
I was surprised that they hadn't met before. I feel like I'm surrounded by these two all the time. Boy later explained to me that they had met like 10+ times before, and have had the same conversation every time and yet she still can't remember.
This is one of my favorite things about Provo, or life in general, is people's inability to remember other people they have met. Unfortunately I have this symptom. If you ask a close friend of mine, he'd easily be able to rattle off over ten times when I had to turn to him and ask, "do I know this person?" "have we met them before. It makes me hate myself because I feel like a rude, inconsiderate dick whenever I don't remember someone's name. I feel like it's perceived as, "well, he thinks to highly of himself that he can't remember other people. I don't like him anymore" That is sad.
Certain things are in play when it comes to introductions,
1) Are you attracted to the person you're meeting? If yes, odds are you're going to remember their name. When you're attracted to someone, you're not only going to remember their name, but you'll probably also stock their social media, learn all about them, and maybe even add them at the slight chance of generating conversation again. And then when you talk to them again you have to restrain from asking them about their visit to Texas which is something you saw in one of their pictures.
Ex:
Once I met a girl that I thought was gorgeous. We talked for about a half hour the first time we met. I thought it went well. Obviously she didn't because she didn't remember any part of it the next time we met. This happened like 6 times. I should've been upset but each time I met her it gave me another chance to make a first impression and get her to like me. It eventually worked in the sense that we went on a date
2) Sometimes you have to forget someone's name because you're playing a game.
In the above example, when it became evident that the girl wasn't aware that we had already met, I had to play it off like we were complete strangers too so I didn't seem like such a weirdo. I had to ask questions I already knew the answer to, like "where are you from?" "what are you studying?"
It's stupid but effective. If I were to say something like, "c'mon, we've met already, don't you remember?" she'll say no and we'll have to have the conversation over again anyway. Plus in the second scenario, she's already put off by that statement. Like she teaches herself, "oh if I did meet this guy and not remember him, then I'm probably not interested. I'll stay uninterested."
another game is intentional forgetting:
once my friend was talking to me about a girl that I had just met. Apparently she had asked about me BY NAME. Then, when I met her next, she played the, "Remind me of your name…" I was thinking, "honey please, I know darned well that you remember my name." In this instance it worked against her because of what my friend told me. Usually this strategy works in her favor, almost telling the guy to work harder and make a better impression. I didn't in this case because I knew she already knew my name.
3) Someone has an extremely ethnic/difficult name:
Sometimes we hear names that we know we're going to instantly forget it. Like my friend Ouzhan Kalantari. Because people don't like asking others to repeat themselves, they won't ask for clarification on difficult names. Instead, they'll hope they just don't have to repeat this persons name and probably use words like, "dude," "man", "bro", "you"
4) Names get forgotten because they're spelled weird or pronounced weird.
This happens in my life a lot because I don't want to pronounce someone's name wrong. In Utah, since their are 200 different ways to pronounce each common name. I personally will hear the name, get worried I'm not going to pronounce it incorrectly so avoid using it altogether, and then since I'm not using it I'll forget it. So sorry to all the keslie's kelsie's kellysies klesies and kelessies of the world
5) sometimes people are just stupid. stupid people don't remember anything names included.
Has everyone seen the movie the testaments? Remember the scene when Jacob is finally talking to his crush Laneah? At the end of their conversation, as she's about to leave, she turns and says, "you did not ask my name…" Jacob responds, "I know your name." This is so pimp! Why can't we just be like Jacob and screw the games and garbage?
Names are tough. I promise I'll try harder and I apologize to everyone who's had to reintroduce themselves to me multiple times.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Hunger Games and the inconvenient truth of women
Just saw the last saga of the Hunger Game franchise. The movie disappointed without having a satisfying ending. The story was not well developed and in the words of my friend Taylor, "it seemed as if the author was trying to finish out this story of rebellion while equally trying to include elements from the Hunger Games and just couldn't tie it all together well." The movie had many opportunities to be better and had certain aspects I disagreed with, but none more than the idea of Katniss.
The whole movie, and this also includes for most of the franchise, I have hated Katniss. She's such a horrible person. Realistically there's nothing about her that should make her cheer for her. She's stubborn, defiantly disobedient, uncooperative, and overall just pouty. You may be thinking "yeah but her defiance is what allowed her to be a symbol for the rebellion." This is a stupid rational because everyone in the rebellion hated her and Coin even wanted her dead, realizing her true value as a symbol rather than an actual living human being.
Did any of you catch Katniss' soliloquy given to her child at the end of the movie? "Do you have nightmares? Wanna know what mine are?" Like what kind of effed up conversation is that to have with a baby.
Honestly, the capital should've just killed Katniss. I feel like it shouldn't be that east to kill one girl. Their inability to do so makes me question the entire strength of the organization all together. Killing Katniss would've saved Taylor's dad the price of my ticket and it would've saved us all the frustration of listening to the twenty 14-year old girls in the theater making noise and waving at everyone. If Katniss was dead, these girls probably wouldn't have found it a good idea to seek attention through their annoying activities. They would've known that you step out of bounds, you gonna get killed.
Some argue Katniss fought for those she cared about. And she acted the way she did to fight for them and protect them. I would argue that Katniss does perhaps the most unthoughtful thing any woman can do and that she actually doesn't care about anyone but herself. Through 4 movies (and remember each of these movies is 2 hours plus) she toys with Gale and Peeta's emotions, unable to commit to either and continually reaches out to them only when she needs to. (Example, she's only affectionate to Peeta when she needs him to live so she doesn't die or in this last movies when she doesn't want him to kill her). It's total bull crap. Peeta and Gale are superb human beings. They continually sacrifice everything for better lives for their countrymen and Katniss in particular. I don't understand at all why either puts up with Katniss' crap. She's rude, unresponsive and distant. And if we're being honest she's not even close to Gale in the looks department.
This brings me to my next point, perhaps the two most influential series that have a female protagonist in recent memory are the Hunger Games and Twilight. Don't argue Maze runner because no one saw that movie.
In both the hunger games and twilight we have an awful female lead that is being fought over by two super studly men. Like Katniss, Bella is also the worst. Maybe its just the movies (I never read the books so I don't know how bella should be described) because Kristen Stuart is as dull as a pile of bricks. I feel like I'd have a better conversation with a wall. She and Katniss are extremely frustrating to watch. I don't get why these amazing guys are fawning all over them. Like it'd make a little more sense if they were gorgeous with super fun outgoing personalities but their not. Both come across more as dark closed off characters than anything. You know what happens to girls in real life when their complete dicks to all the guys that try to date them? they end up alone with 3 cats watching antique roadshow on Friday nights.
In both of these scenarios we deem it appropriate that the main female lead take her time while deciding which guy she's going to love back. It's totally uncool and its being applied to real life. In Provo, every guy has faced this scenario. He'll be chasing after a girl fully ready to commit only for her to be indecisive, almost searching for something better to come along. This happened to me my freshman year of college:
The girl I was interested strung me along for most of the semester. She and I would hang out, cuddled up till 3 in the morning some nights, having deep intimate conversations. She even gave me my first kiss. Then one day it all stopped. Turns out she had another guy she was dating the whole time. Pretty uncool of her right?
In complete contrast, guys have absolutely no ability to do this. The second a guy tinkers with the idea of trying out a different girl simultaneously he'll be forever discredited as a monster. Most likely with words like "douchebag" "prick" "man whore" "playa". Tags that a man can seldom leave behind. For a man to be seen as a gentlemen, he has to do what Edward, Jacob, Gale and Peeta do; give his undying affection and attention to ONE girl only even if she decides to walk all over him and treat him like trash.
The media has an extensive influence on the minds of its viewers. And which minds are more brain-washable than those of little girls? If the trend of morally corrupt female leads continues, then we can expect stupid little girls to grow up believing their entitled to be non-descisive to every guy that wants to date them. They'll find it amusing to string guys along while showing no need to sacrifice anything of their own. Katniss and Bella are the worst and their influence stops now. Hopefully Peeta divorces Katniss and leaves her behind.
Mocking Jay Part II: 5.5 stars out of 10. Because Finnick is the man. and guess what Katniss, Finnick was completely enamored with Annie from the get go. you can learn from him.
The whole movie, and this also includes for most of the franchise, I have hated Katniss. She's such a horrible person. Realistically there's nothing about her that should make her cheer for her. She's stubborn, defiantly disobedient, uncooperative, and overall just pouty. You may be thinking "yeah but her defiance is what allowed her to be a symbol for the rebellion." This is a stupid rational because everyone in the rebellion hated her and Coin even wanted her dead, realizing her true value as a symbol rather than an actual living human being.
Did any of you catch Katniss' soliloquy given to her child at the end of the movie? "Do you have nightmares? Wanna know what mine are?" Like what kind of effed up conversation is that to have with a baby.
Honestly, the capital should've just killed Katniss. I feel like it shouldn't be that east to kill one girl. Their inability to do so makes me question the entire strength of the organization all together. Killing Katniss would've saved Taylor's dad the price of my ticket and it would've saved us all the frustration of listening to the twenty 14-year old girls in the theater making noise and waving at everyone. If Katniss was dead, these girls probably wouldn't have found it a good idea to seek attention through their annoying activities. They would've known that you step out of bounds, you gonna get killed.
Some argue Katniss fought for those she cared about. And she acted the way she did to fight for them and protect them. I would argue that Katniss does perhaps the most unthoughtful thing any woman can do and that she actually doesn't care about anyone but herself. Through 4 movies (and remember each of these movies is 2 hours plus) she toys with Gale and Peeta's emotions, unable to commit to either and continually reaches out to them only when she needs to. (Example, she's only affectionate to Peeta when she needs him to live so she doesn't die or in this last movies when she doesn't want him to kill her). It's total bull crap. Peeta and Gale are superb human beings. They continually sacrifice everything for better lives for their countrymen and Katniss in particular. I don't understand at all why either puts up with Katniss' crap. She's rude, unresponsive and distant. And if we're being honest she's not even close to Gale in the looks department.
This brings me to my next point, perhaps the two most influential series that have a female protagonist in recent memory are the Hunger Games and Twilight. Don't argue Maze runner because no one saw that movie.
In both the hunger games and twilight we have an awful female lead that is being fought over by two super studly men. Like Katniss, Bella is also the worst. Maybe its just the movies (I never read the books so I don't know how bella should be described) because Kristen Stuart is as dull as a pile of bricks. I feel like I'd have a better conversation with a wall. She and Katniss are extremely frustrating to watch. I don't get why these amazing guys are fawning all over them. Like it'd make a little more sense if they were gorgeous with super fun outgoing personalities but their not. Both come across more as dark closed off characters than anything. You know what happens to girls in real life when their complete dicks to all the guys that try to date them? they end up alone with 3 cats watching antique roadshow on Friday nights.
In both of these scenarios we deem it appropriate that the main female lead take her time while deciding which guy she's going to love back. It's totally uncool and its being applied to real life. In Provo, every guy has faced this scenario. He'll be chasing after a girl fully ready to commit only for her to be indecisive, almost searching for something better to come along. This happened to me my freshman year of college:
The girl I was interested strung me along for most of the semester. She and I would hang out, cuddled up till 3 in the morning some nights, having deep intimate conversations. She even gave me my first kiss. Then one day it all stopped. Turns out she had another guy she was dating the whole time. Pretty uncool of her right?
In complete contrast, guys have absolutely no ability to do this. The second a guy tinkers with the idea of trying out a different girl simultaneously he'll be forever discredited as a monster. Most likely with words like "douchebag" "prick" "man whore" "playa". Tags that a man can seldom leave behind. For a man to be seen as a gentlemen, he has to do what Edward, Jacob, Gale and Peeta do; give his undying affection and attention to ONE girl only even if she decides to walk all over him and treat him like trash.
The media has an extensive influence on the minds of its viewers. And which minds are more brain-washable than those of little girls? If the trend of morally corrupt female leads continues, then we can expect stupid little girls to grow up believing their entitled to be non-descisive to every guy that wants to date them. They'll find it amusing to string guys along while showing no need to sacrifice anything of their own. Katniss and Bella are the worst and their influence stops now. Hopefully Peeta divorces Katniss and leaves her behind.
Mocking Jay Part II: 5.5 stars out of 10. Because Finnick is the man. and guess what Katniss, Finnick was completely enamored with Annie from the get go. you can learn from him.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Being Nice to someone stressed
t'was the week leading up to break
and all through our school
people were super tired
and not super amused
with the piling on of work and lots school tests
it was easy to see that most people were stressed
it usually goes unnoticed because i don't care
i'm not normally looking out to help or share
however on this certain week it became assigned
to help one another, a Shayne Clarke design
he encouraged to us find someone in dire need
someone that appeared even more stressed than we
find them and help them is your task he said,
and then blog about it before you go to bed
my head raced with thoughts of what could i do
after thinking and thinking i didn't have a clue
more stressed than me? it couldn't possible be true
wait yes it can I'm a pretty mellow dude
i didn't have to search hard, barely at all
because the one that was stressed gave me a call
"can you teach sunday school, i just don't have the time
to prepare a lesson so well and defined
you'd do me a huge favor you don't understand
the relief you would give me taking this off of my hands"
i agreed to help, knowing this would count
as my assignment for mcom i wanted to shout.
this would be so simple so easy and nice
to help this girl out, i'm being so polite
i prepared a lesson, on the millennium in fact
filled with clips to entertain the class
i taught gospel principles which is well known,
to not have the ability to bring in many souls
the class ended up being just me and some friends
we discussed the doctrine until the hours end
we left the class feeling uplifted and blessed
and i did service so i was the best
i helped a fellow saint that was in dire need
i knew that Shayne Clarke would be most pleased
he'll great me on monday saying "well done possum
i knew you'd do it because you're that awesome
you've always been my favorite student just don't tell sidney
she might get upset and who knows might kill me"
I shook his hand and looked him in the eye
and said i love your class you're a heck of a guy.
after this we'll ride off into the sky on a falcon
and say to all below "for our service you're welcome"
-Daniel Drake 2015
and all through our school
people were super tired
and not super amused
with the piling on of work and lots school tests
it was easy to see that most people were stressed
it usually goes unnoticed because i don't care
i'm not normally looking out to help or share
however on this certain week it became assigned
to help one another, a Shayne Clarke design
he encouraged to us find someone in dire need
someone that appeared even more stressed than we
find them and help them is your task he said,
and then blog about it before you go to bed
my head raced with thoughts of what could i do
after thinking and thinking i didn't have a clue
more stressed than me? it couldn't possible be true
wait yes it can I'm a pretty mellow dude
i didn't have to search hard, barely at all
because the one that was stressed gave me a call
"can you teach sunday school, i just don't have the time
to prepare a lesson so well and defined
you'd do me a huge favor you don't understand
the relief you would give me taking this off of my hands"
i agreed to help, knowing this would count
as my assignment for mcom i wanted to shout.
this would be so simple so easy and nice
to help this girl out, i'm being so polite
i prepared a lesson, on the millennium in fact
filled with clips to entertain the class
i taught gospel principles which is well known,
to not have the ability to bring in many souls
the class ended up being just me and some friends
we discussed the doctrine until the hours end
we left the class feeling uplifted and blessed
and i did service so i was the best
i helped a fellow saint that was in dire need
i knew that Shayne Clarke would be most pleased
he'll great me on monday saying "well done possum
i knew you'd do it because you're that awesome
you've always been my favorite student just don't tell sidney
she might get upset and who knows might kill me"
I shook his hand and looked him in the eye
and said i love your class you're a heck of a guy.
after this we'll ride off into the sky on a falcon
and say to all below "for our service you're welcome"
-Daniel Drake 2015
Monday, November 16, 2015
SPECIAL BLOG BY RYAN HAZELGREN!!!!
This blog was written by my good friend and roommate Ryan Hazelgren:
THE TOP 5 RAP SONGS
FOR MORMONS
A completely biased analysis by Ryan Hazelgren
Mormonism and rap don’t exactly go
together. Let’s be honest, it’s no surprise that a religion that discriminated
against black people until 1978 hasn’t thrust itself full-force into hip-hop
culture. I’m sure I’m not the only one who remembers Gordon B. Hinckley verbally
destroying Eminem (who he thought was a “travelling band”) in his landmark
2001 First Presidency message, describing Mr. Mathers as “filthy,”
“lascivious,” and “evil.” It’s not complicated; Mormons aren’t supposed to like
things such as sex, marijuana, and alcohol, and rappers tend to enjoy all of
these things in spades.
With this all being said, any
Mormon under the age of 30 will probably tell you that there has been
established at least a shaky relationship between rap and Mormon culture, built
on the shoulders of awkward youth events, heavily censored radio edits, and
that one weird dad in the ward who DJs everything because he’s still trying to
be cool. With this in mind, I’ve tried to create and narrow down a list of five
rap and hip-hop songs that have the greatest presence in LDS culture.
Before I start the list though, I’d
like to break down the criteria, because I’m sure anyone who reads this will
find some glaring flaw and therefore demand an explanation. The following
factors are taken into account, from least to most important:
·
Presence at Stake Dances
I’m not thrilled to admit this: before I figured out that it’s a good
thing to like, have self-respect (this happened at about 15 years, 8 months) I
went to a few stake dances. And it follows that I heard the songs they played
at stake dances. Stake dance playlists, as indescribably awful as they are,
make a solid litmus test for what the collective adult authorities have allowed
to influence their kids.
·
Presence at BYU Events
Self-explanatory. BYU is the
Mormon College. Interestingly enough, BYU tends to be far more lenient with
what they allow than the previous category.
·
Rap/Hip-Hop and not R&B
An important distinction when whittling
the list down to five spots. Yes, Mormons love “Down” by Jay Sean, and it was
at like every stake dance, but while it has a (somehow completely clean) Lil
Wayne verse, it’s still an R&B song. Ignition (Remix) also fits into this
category, with the distinction that it doesn’t sound like shit.
·
General Word of Mouth
Probably the most important
category. It can’t really be quantified or logically justified, but everyone
kind of just knows what song everyone is listening to at parties in Provo and
elsewhere, and I’ve tried to take that into account here.
So, there
you go. Without any further ado, the list:
5. “Cyclone” by
Baby Bash featuring T-Pain
Makes
the last spot on the list entirely
on the strength of the “Stake Dance” factor. “Cyclone” was an absolute staple
at stake dances, drawing from the fact that it features only one minor curse
word toward the end of the song (often edited out) and, more importantly,
because it expertly relies on sexual innuendos too vague and sophisticated for
old, formerly sheltered parents to decipher. “She makes me want to do it all
night long” may sound like an obvious sexual reference to you and I, but to 55
year-old Bishop Jensen who grew up in Bountiful, it sounds like Baby Bash wants
to just keep dancing until the wee hours. Never mind the rest of the strip club
imagery (“Going hard when they turn the spotlights on”; “Plus she hit the stage”)
that the kids probably couldn’t pick up on, either. Is the humor that 2008
preteen Mormon dances were dominated by a Southern strip club anthem lost on
me? In a word, no.
4. “POWER” by Kanye West
Although
“POWER” is fairly well known to many Mormons, the only reason it finds itself
on this list is because of BYU’s strange (and fantastic) decision to use it as
the main crowd pump-up song for all of its football and basketball games.
Anyone who has attended either of these events knows that the last song played
before kick-off or tip-off is always POWER, and the entire student section
always links arms over shoulders and moves side to side with the choir of
voices. There is, of course, a minor distinction: they only play like two lines
from the chorus in the interest of avoiding the word “fuck” being blared out to
the crowd. Really, the only words anyone know are “awww” and “heyyy” , but still. We’re talking semantics
here. BYU has Mormons turning up to a guy that calls himself “Yeezus” and
sometimes “God”. Furthermore, we’re turning up to a song of his that features such
lyrics as “I don’t need your pussy, bitch, I’m on my own dick.” No one man
should have all that power.
3. “Crank That” by Soulja Boy Tell ’em
If any of us learned
anything from EFY, it’s that Mormons love pre-choreographed line dances. And
that’s all “Crank That” really is—a pre-choreographed line dance. The
difference is, this line dance is cool, because it’s not set to the “Six Flags”
theme and taught to us by a guy we thought was cool in 8th grade,
but now know was a weirdo who couldn’t find approval in Provo so he resorted to
going to a high school summer camp to make friends. Anyway, it’s not like
anyone remembers anything besides the basic snap motion, the “yuuaaaa”, and the
“superman”, but still. “Crank That” was the rare #1 rap hit that featured
little cursing, and adults didn’t know what a hoe was yet in 2008, so everyone
was in the clear. Long live Soulja Boy and his Bathin Apes.
2. “Lose Yourself” by Eminem
Nothing hits Mormons
harder than a good underdog story. After all, our religion was founded on a
bunch of underdogs; the early Mormons faced hatred and religious persecution
until they retreated to Utah, and even thereafter until they decided that maybe
it was cool to stick with one wife. In any event, underdog stories hit us hard,
and what better underdog story is there in rap than the one Eminem tells in
“Lose Yourself”. Aside from the underdog aspect, “Lose Yourself” benefits from
its extremely strong first verse (one of the greatest in rap history), the fact
that it refrains from discussing drugs, sex, or alcohol, and that it’s only
curse word (a rough and unfortunate “motherfuckin”) occurs in the third verse,
after which most Mormons have already moved on to listen to David Archuleta or
the Frozen soundtrack. Lose Yourself
also makes us feel cool and rebellious because it’s by Eminem, whose content is
normally extremely explicit, so we can’t like him, but then there’s this one
song, so we can act like we like him, you know? Stand up with us in Zion,
Shady!
1. “Get Low” by
Lil John & the East Side Boyz featuring Ying Yang Twins
There was never really any contest
for the #1 spot. Here’s the thing about Mormons: all that repressed animal
instinct is going to rear its ugly head sometime, somewhere. And when it does,
it’s going to be when “Get Low” drops. “Get Low” is perhaps the most
inappropriate of all American landmarks, and for this reason, Mormons can’t get
enough of it. It awakens a part of ourselves we didn’t know was there. Every
Mormon can tell you the first time they were at a party they shouldn’t have
been at and noticed another one of our own screaming out “til the sweat drop down my balls!” and
“skeet skeet skeet!!!” (although
we will never say “mothafucka” because graphically describing perspiration
sliding down Lil Jon’s dick is much more appropriate than saying “fuck”). Also, this is the classic grinding song, and
Mormon guys love to get their grind on, because it’s anatomically the closest
thing we’ll have to doggy-style sex before we get married, if ever. My good
friend Kevin put it best: “when ‘Get Low’ came on, it didn’t matter who you
were dancing with, as long as she was a hoe.” He couldn’t be more right. 3-6-9.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks
for giving the list a chance. Sincerest apologies to “All the Way Turnt Up,”
“Wop,” and many other worthy candidates.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Cereal Rankings
For the majority of my childhood, I ignored what ever warm breakfast my mother was making and went to the pantry to munch on whatever brand of cereal I could find. Being a child and not the financial provider for the house, I was at the mercy of my parents when it came to cereal options. If my parents chose a particularly wonderful sugary brand of cereal, then they could expect it to last only a matter of days, knowing I'd eat it for breakfast and every snack in between meals. If they chose a brand such as normal Rice Krispies, then they could expect that box to collect dust for weeks untouched.
Since moving out on my own, the cereal isle has been my most frequently visited location at the supermarket. Every trip to the story usually amounts in at least two if not three boxes of purchased cereal. Since being on my own, cereal has clearly been my most frequently eaten meal and snack.
Overall, I'd estimate that I've eaten over 5,000 bowls of cereal in my lifetime. I've tried each brand numerous times. Today, I'm going to unleash my 10 favorite. This has been a study 23 years in the making. If you disagree with my choices, then you are rejecting 23 years of study and research which could not me any more foolish.
Considerations for my rankings.
1) Taste. Obviously
2) Texture
3) Box. Both Size and decoration
4) Does it fill me up?
5) Healthy-ness. (Not the most vital quality but I'll give the nod when deserved)
here goes:
10) Strawberry frosted mini-wheats.
Pros: I love the fruity taste and its a hearty bowl that fill s me up.
cons: when milk is applied its either too soon and the cereal is too hard or its too early and the cereal is too soggy and falls apart.
9) Fruity Pepples
Pros: Unique fruits flavor that you can smell the second you open the box. Flinstones on the box making for mid-meal entertainment.
Cons: Its like eating air. Doesn't fill me up at all.
8) S'mores
Pros: S'mores are like the best flavor anything of all time.
Cons: Not enough marshmallows and the box is tiny. I finish it after three bowls.
7) Raisin Brain Crunch
Pros: Plump raisins add a delightful surprise in every bite. A perfect compliment to the bran flakes and crunch. Makes me feel Healthy
Cons: I discovered this cereal is best with Almond Milk so if I want to enjoy to fulfillment, then I have to drop some coin on new milk.
6) Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Pros: Stays crunchy throughout the duration of the sitting. Flavor is solid and is left behind in the milk, leaving for slurpy goodness at the end.
Cons: Probably worse than any other cereal, when your on your last bowl you get all the shaken off particles that form a dust pile on top of your cereal.
5) Honey Graham O's
Pros: Unique0crunchy flavor. Was eaten by my parents on their honeymoon so sentimental value.
Cons: Small box. Like way too small. Like what the Heck I need 2 boxes just for one breakfast.
4) Honey Nut Cheerios
Pros: Delicious, Nutritious, pleasant looking box that seems to last forever. I like the bee too
Cons: Sometimes a random piece is sharp and cuts my throat. Plus they are lazier than Alpha-Bits.
3) Cap'n Crunch Crunch Berries
Pros: It's knock off brand, colossal berries is crap in comparison. Those people at quacker are leaps and bounds above the competition.
Cons: Cuts roof of mouth, plus too many varieties. "Oops All Berries"!? WHAT OOPS!? fix that mistake
2) Kellog's Frosted Flakes
Pros: Makes me feel healthy, athletic and ready to take on the world. Very sugary which I enjoy.
Cons: They sponsor the Little League World Series which is the biggest joke in the world.
Honorable Mentions:
Cookie Crisp- I love Cookies
Resses Puffs: Best chocolate based cereal. Its candy for BREAKFAST
Apple Jacks: So much better than fruit loops which I feel is its biggest similarity.
Dishonorable mentions:
Total- go screw yourself I'm happy with my body
Smart Start- I'd rather eat my dogs breakfast
Blueberry Muffin Tops- You have seriously failed in trying to convert this delicious muffin into cereal.
1) LUCKY CHARMS
This is the best tasting cereal of all time. Best advertising. Lucky is my boy. And he's right, I am after his lucky charms. The marshmallows and grain cereal are wonderfully balanced and the gran cereal absorbs the milk for a terrific consistency. Plus, they just released a commercial where Biz Markie sings about Lucky Charms. GAME OVER
Since moving out on my own, the cereal isle has been my most frequently visited location at the supermarket. Every trip to the story usually amounts in at least two if not three boxes of purchased cereal. Since being on my own, cereal has clearly been my most frequently eaten meal and snack.
Overall, I'd estimate that I've eaten over 5,000 bowls of cereal in my lifetime. I've tried each brand numerous times. Today, I'm going to unleash my 10 favorite. This has been a study 23 years in the making. If you disagree with my choices, then you are rejecting 23 years of study and research which could not me any more foolish.
Considerations for my rankings.
1) Taste. Obviously
2) Texture
3) Box. Both Size and decoration
4) Does it fill me up?
5) Healthy-ness. (Not the most vital quality but I'll give the nod when deserved)
here goes:
10) Strawberry frosted mini-wheats.
Pros: I love the fruity taste and its a hearty bowl that fill s me up.
cons: when milk is applied its either too soon and the cereal is too hard or its too early and the cereal is too soggy and falls apart.
9) Fruity Pepples
Pros: Unique fruits flavor that you can smell the second you open the box. Flinstones on the box making for mid-meal entertainment.
Cons: Its like eating air. Doesn't fill me up at all.
8) S'mores
Pros: S'mores are like the best flavor anything of all time.
Cons: Not enough marshmallows and the box is tiny. I finish it after three bowls.
7) Raisin Brain Crunch
Pros: Plump raisins add a delightful surprise in every bite. A perfect compliment to the bran flakes and crunch. Makes me feel Healthy
Cons: I discovered this cereal is best with Almond Milk so if I want to enjoy to fulfillment, then I have to drop some coin on new milk.
6) Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Pros: Stays crunchy throughout the duration of the sitting. Flavor is solid and is left behind in the milk, leaving for slurpy goodness at the end.
Cons: Probably worse than any other cereal, when your on your last bowl you get all the shaken off particles that form a dust pile on top of your cereal.
5) Honey Graham O's
Pros: Unique0crunchy flavor. Was eaten by my parents on their honeymoon so sentimental value.
Cons: Small box. Like way too small. Like what the Heck I need 2 boxes just for one breakfast.
4) Honey Nut Cheerios
Pros: Delicious, Nutritious, pleasant looking box that seems to last forever. I like the bee too
Cons: Sometimes a random piece is sharp and cuts my throat. Plus they are lazier than Alpha-Bits.
3) Cap'n Crunch Crunch Berries
Pros: It's knock off brand, colossal berries is crap in comparison. Those people at quacker are leaps and bounds above the competition.
Cons: Cuts roof of mouth, plus too many varieties. "Oops All Berries"!? WHAT OOPS!? fix that mistake
2) Kellog's Frosted Flakes
Pros: Makes me feel healthy, athletic and ready to take on the world. Very sugary which I enjoy.
Cons: They sponsor the Little League World Series which is the biggest joke in the world.
Honorable Mentions:
Cookie Crisp- I love Cookies
Resses Puffs: Best chocolate based cereal. Its candy for BREAKFAST
Apple Jacks: So much better than fruit loops which I feel is its biggest similarity.
Dishonorable mentions:
Total- go screw yourself I'm happy with my body
Smart Start- I'd rather eat my dogs breakfast
Blueberry Muffin Tops- You have seriously failed in trying to convert this delicious muffin into cereal.
1) LUCKY CHARMS
This is the best tasting cereal of all time. Best advertising. Lucky is my boy. And he's right, I am after his lucky charms. The marshmallows and grain cereal are wonderfully balanced and the gran cereal absorbs the milk for a terrific consistency. Plus, they just released a commercial where Biz Markie sings about Lucky Charms. GAME OVER
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Halloween
"Based on some of the costumes I saw last night we should have a surplus of bread at the end of sacrament meeting today"
I love this quote that I heard regarding the Halloween festivities that have taken place in Provo this past weekend. Halloween is such a funny time for the most obscure town in the United States. Nation-wide, Halloween is accepted as the time to dress as slutty as possible and flaunt your stuff. Girls wear tight and revealing costumes and men either go shirtless or wear as little of a shirt as possible. Sex is best when it comes to costumes.
In Provo, we have the unique mixture of people who want to embrace the sexy costume culture intertwined with the good and wholesome people of Provo that wouldn't dare show a hint of cleavage. Combining these two different groups at dances makes for very interesting dances. And even better judgment looks. One group is trying to get down and grind on the floor, the other group keeps trying to impose a circle to dance in, thus pushing all around them to be even more squished. I hate the circle starters. You're not impressive enough of a dancer to give yourself a stage to perform on, so stop it.
By the way, that center street dance was crazy. I'm 6'3 and 210 pounds and still felt like I was getting beat up every time I entered the main population of the dance. I can't imagine how it would have felt to be a petite young woman. Also, I was with three attractive blonde girls giving me a unique perspective of how a girl feels like on a dance floor. Every time we tried to cross the dancing area, men would swarm around them. Every pack of guys they worked their way through, they were instantly met with a new group of creeps. Also, these girls claimed some guys grabbed their butts. I know this is true because even my butt got grabbed by some strangers.
I dressed as a doctor. Not slutty at all. Scrubs are super comfortable though. Nice and airy, perfect for dancing. Multiple times I was asked to check heart beats or told "I need a doctor". Sometimes guys would say this and I would think "why did you say that? what benefit does this bring you? do you really want me to come talk to you?" freaking weirdos man.
Halloween is great because your home teachers/FHE group mom bring pumpkin flavored treats to your door.
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