THE TOP 5 RAP SONGS
FOR MORMONS
A completely biased analysis by Ryan Hazelgren
Mormonism and rap don’t exactly go
together. Let’s be honest, it’s no surprise that a religion that discriminated
against black people until 1978 hasn’t thrust itself full-force into hip-hop
culture. I’m sure I’m not the only one who remembers Gordon B. Hinckley verbally
destroying Eminem (who he thought was a “travelling band”) in his landmark
2001 First Presidency message, describing Mr. Mathers as “filthy,”
“lascivious,” and “evil.” It’s not complicated; Mormons aren’t supposed to like
things such as sex, marijuana, and alcohol, and rappers tend to enjoy all of
these things in spades.
With this all being said, any
Mormon under the age of 30 will probably tell you that there has been
established at least a shaky relationship between rap and Mormon culture, built
on the shoulders of awkward youth events, heavily censored radio edits, and
that one weird dad in the ward who DJs everything because he’s still trying to
be cool. With this in mind, I’ve tried to create and narrow down a list of five
rap and hip-hop songs that have the greatest presence in LDS culture.
Before I start the list though, I’d
like to break down the criteria, because I’m sure anyone who reads this will
find some glaring flaw and therefore demand an explanation. The following
factors are taken into account, from least to most important:
·
Presence at Stake Dances
I’m not thrilled to admit this: before I figured out that it’s a good
thing to like, have self-respect (this happened at about 15 years, 8 months) I
went to a few stake dances. And it follows that I heard the songs they played
at stake dances. Stake dance playlists, as indescribably awful as they are,
make a solid litmus test for what the collective adult authorities have allowed
to influence their kids.
·
Presence at BYU Events
Self-explanatory. BYU is the
Mormon College. Interestingly enough, BYU tends to be far more lenient with
what they allow than the previous category.
·
Rap/Hip-Hop and not R&B
An important distinction when whittling
the list down to five spots. Yes, Mormons love “Down” by Jay Sean, and it was
at like every stake dance, but while it has a (somehow completely clean) Lil
Wayne verse, it’s still an R&B song. Ignition (Remix) also fits into this
category, with the distinction that it doesn’t sound like shit.
·
General Word of Mouth
Probably the most important
category. It can’t really be quantified or logically justified, but everyone
kind of just knows what song everyone is listening to at parties in Provo and
elsewhere, and I’ve tried to take that into account here.
So, there
you go. Without any further ado, the list:
5. “Cyclone” by
Baby Bash featuring T-Pain
Makes
the last spot on the list entirely
on the strength of the “Stake Dance” factor. “Cyclone” was an absolute staple
at stake dances, drawing from the fact that it features only one minor curse
word toward the end of the song (often edited out) and, more importantly,
because it expertly relies on sexual innuendos too vague and sophisticated for
old, formerly sheltered parents to decipher. “She makes me want to do it all
night long” may sound like an obvious sexual reference to you and I, but to 55
year-old Bishop Jensen who grew up in Bountiful, it sounds like Baby Bash wants
to just keep dancing until the wee hours. Never mind the rest of the strip club
imagery (“Going hard when they turn the spotlights on”; “Plus she hit the stage”)
that the kids probably couldn’t pick up on, either. Is the humor that 2008
preteen Mormon dances were dominated by a Southern strip club anthem lost on
me? In a word, no.
4. “POWER” by Kanye West
Although
“POWER” is fairly well known to many Mormons, the only reason it finds itself
on this list is because of BYU’s strange (and fantastic) decision to use it as
the main crowd pump-up song for all of its football and basketball games.
Anyone who has attended either of these events knows that the last song played
before kick-off or tip-off is always POWER, and the entire student section
always links arms over shoulders and moves side to side with the choir of
voices. There is, of course, a minor distinction: they only play like two lines
from the chorus in the interest of avoiding the word “fuck” being blared out to
the crowd. Really, the only words anyone know are “awww” and “heyyy” , but still. We’re talking semantics
here. BYU has Mormons turning up to a guy that calls himself “Yeezus” and
sometimes “God”. Furthermore, we’re turning up to a song of his that features such
lyrics as “I don’t need your pussy, bitch, I’m on my own dick.” No one man
should have all that power.
3. “Crank That” by Soulja Boy Tell ’em
If any of us learned
anything from EFY, it’s that Mormons love pre-choreographed line dances. And
that’s all “Crank That” really is—a pre-choreographed line dance. The
difference is, this line dance is cool, because it’s not set to the “Six Flags”
theme and taught to us by a guy we thought was cool in 8th grade,
but now know was a weirdo who couldn’t find approval in Provo so he resorted to
going to a high school summer camp to make friends. Anyway, it’s not like
anyone remembers anything besides the basic snap motion, the “yuuaaaa”, and the
“superman”, but still. “Crank That” was the rare #1 rap hit that featured
little cursing, and adults didn’t know what a hoe was yet in 2008, so everyone
was in the clear. Long live Soulja Boy and his Bathin Apes.
2. “Lose Yourself” by Eminem
Nothing hits Mormons
harder than a good underdog story. After all, our religion was founded on a
bunch of underdogs; the early Mormons faced hatred and religious persecution
until they retreated to Utah, and even thereafter until they decided that maybe
it was cool to stick with one wife. In any event, underdog stories hit us hard,
and what better underdog story is there in rap than the one Eminem tells in
“Lose Yourself”. Aside from the underdog aspect, “Lose Yourself” benefits from
its extremely strong first verse (one of the greatest in rap history), the fact
that it refrains from discussing drugs, sex, or alcohol, and that it’s only
curse word (a rough and unfortunate “motherfuckin”) occurs in the third verse,
after which most Mormons have already moved on to listen to David Archuleta or
the Frozen soundtrack. Lose Yourself
also makes us feel cool and rebellious because it’s by Eminem, whose content is
normally extremely explicit, so we can’t like him, but then there’s this one
song, so we can act like we like him, you know? Stand up with us in Zion,
Shady!
1. “Get Low” by
Lil John & the East Side Boyz featuring Ying Yang Twins
There was never really any contest
for the #1 spot. Here’s the thing about Mormons: all that repressed animal
instinct is going to rear its ugly head sometime, somewhere. And when it does,
it’s going to be when “Get Low” drops. “Get Low” is perhaps the most
inappropriate of all American landmarks, and for this reason, Mormons can’t get
enough of it. It awakens a part of ourselves we didn’t know was there. Every
Mormon can tell you the first time they were at a party they shouldn’t have
been at and noticed another one of our own screaming out “til the sweat drop down my balls!” and
“skeet skeet skeet!!!” (although
we will never say “mothafucka” because graphically describing perspiration
sliding down Lil Jon’s dick is much more appropriate than saying “fuck”). Also, this is the classic grinding song, and
Mormon guys love to get their grind on, because it’s anatomically the closest
thing we’ll have to doggy-style sex before we get married, if ever. My good
friend Kevin put it best: “when ‘Get Low’ came on, it didn’t matter who you
were dancing with, as long as she was a hoe.” He couldn’t be more right. 3-6-9.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks
for giving the list a chance. Sincerest apologies to “All the Way Turnt Up,”
“Wop,” and many other worthy candidates.
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